QUESTION: Dear Abdi, what would you say is the definition of true, healthy love? We may try to love ourselves and others and to receive with an open heart the love others express for us. But how many of us actually know what real love is? Or would be able to recognize it? How do we know we’re not mistaking codependency or enmeshment or conflict avoidance, etc. for love and the building blocks of a strong, expansive, and joyful relationship? Thank you.

ANSWER: I take it that you are asking about “the definition of true, healthy love” as it pertains to romantic relationships. In my experience as a healer as well as a man who has been in long-term relationships, where we most fall short is starting with a healthy relationship with our self. All the pitfalls that you describe (mistaking codependency or enmeshment or conflict avoidance) in love are a direct result of not knowing our self or our own needs. A romantic relationship is a powerful place to get to know who we are as we relate to another. Of course for those of us with deep wounding, we attract another with the same and go into an unconscious dance with unpleasant results.

I have addressed the cause of this wounding as well as its manifestation in romantic love in detail. Suffice it to say that by staying conscious to our feelings and state of mind that can be a powerful pointer as to whether we are moving towards the goal or just inflicting more wounding.

We have been sold a bill of goods as to what a romantic relationship is about or what to expect from it. Obviously it is more of a beast to those of us with deep wounding. But the relationship is a place where we can start grappling with lack of self-knowledge and being a stranger to oneself. The fact that you have the awareness to ask this question with the details you put forth tells me that you have the awareness to roll your sleeves up and do the work within it.

Start with sitting with yourself daily and check in with what your bodymind is feeling in relation to your partner. Not your mind, not your preconceived ideas but your actual body. The body never lies. We know. Many of us lack the know-how of how to connect with self, to listen once we connect, and to have the courage to act on the truth when it comes up. We tend to be in constant reaction to the felt but unrecognized feelings that come up. So as with most things, start with relating to yourself. And Self.