ASK ABDI: WHAT CAN I DO WHEN I AM NEVER SATISFIED?

QUESTION: What can I do when I am never satisfied?

I was in a nice apartment; I moved out because of the high rent, strange landlord, etc. I moved into a new apartment and encountered loud neighbors and a noisy street. The same goes for everything else in my life - work, relationships, food, etc. It seems like no matter what I do, I always end up in a mess. Rarely do I get a moment of peace where my life feels "right". Usually, I blame myself for this feeling of dissatisfaction. Maybe I am not yet ready to follow my inner compass, or too dumb, or too fearful. Despite feeling severe pressure in my body, I have run out of coping energy. I just do not want to move out again or take any sort of action. I am feeling like a slave to myself on a constant rush to satisfy my needs or find "better" opportunities. This has to stop now. What is your advice on this?

ANSWER: Welcome to the modern human condition of “never being satisfied”. Your existential hunger is deeply intertwined with a consumer culture that does its best to make us feel unsatisfied. What you describe is most of us - at some point in our lives - until we further examine our psyche. So do not feel that you are alone in your battle of will with an internal dissatisfaction.

You say, “This has to stop now”. And right you are. But what is the “this” that needs to stop? It seems that you mean you need to stop your behavior. I would suggest that you take one step back and start with your mind. The introspection that you show in your writing is a great place to start. Journaling daily for even a few minutes can give you a clear window into your mind. In order to bring on change, we first need to know the patterns that are causing our misery. So get a clear lay of the land by dissecting all the ways you are attempting to heal an inner wound through external behavior.

The band-aid has to be put on your cut, not the image of the cut in the mirror. All the external behaviors that you describe (change of apartments, work, relationships, food, etc.) will not address the underlying issues. For that, you need a deeper relationship with your inner self. Blaming yourself also falls under this category: activities that do not tend to the root of your feelings of dissatisfaction. Slow down for a bit and FEEL instead of just running around. In order to do that, you first need to learn to tolerate your anxiety.

"Maybe I am not yet ready to follow my inner compass”, you write. Wonderful clarity right there. That is the case for all of us until the pain is so intense that we decide to try a different tactic. Try not “taking any sort of action” for a minute. See how that works out for you. While doing nothing, keep taking mental and physical notes of the anxiety that arises. That will reveal much to you about the nature of your impulsive behavior. Learn to tolerate your anxiety. The ability to sit with it will allow you to get to the root of your issue. The fact that you have “run out of coping energy” is wonderful. Allow your exhaustion to wash some compassion over you and your addictive behavior.

Be gentle and firm in equal measure as you delve into this. Learning to “get a moment of peace” takes tremendous work. Many of us stay constantly hypervigilant as an unconscious coping mechanism. We unconsciously feel terrified to let our guard down in case some new trauma befalls us. So as appealing as peace might seem to the conscious mind, our behavior of constant dissatisfaction tells another story. Start an internal dialogue between those two aspects of yourself. Internal investigation can be the start of building a bridge between this split in ourselves.