ASK ABDI: HOW CAN I DIVORCE MY PARENTS?

QUESTION: I am having some serious issues with my elderly parents. My whole life I have been in the middle of them fighting. I have never seen any love between the two of them. Recently, they both admitted to me that they stayed together because of a sibling of mine who unfortunately passed away several years back.

They absolutely hate each other and are so codependent. It is terrible to witness them tear into one another. I literally have to prepare myself for the daggers being thrown in my direction every time I step through their doorway. I visit because I know they need help from time to time - shopping, cleaning, errands - normal things a child does to help their parents out…

But I am ready to divorce them! It is really affecting my life. I do not see either of them getting help. I am not sure how to deal with them at this point.

ANSWER: Anger and hate is as strong a bond as love. Those who have had unaddressed abusive childhoods will repeat what they know as a way of bonding. All those excuses of staying together in such toxic relationships (the kids, the house, the dog, etc.) are, in fact, just that: excuses to protect that which is comfortable. So that's their story and they will take it to the grave.

The issue then becomes what is your role and unconscious magnetic attraction to the train wreck in front of you? The divorce that you speak of is real, but it is psychic, first and foremost. You can never see them again and still be totally run by their dysfunction; or help them in the way you feel called to do, without partaking in their drama.

It is difficult business to tend to parents that did not parent you. So you have to be honest here about your own feelings. There is always a part of us that stays in such destructive relationships because we feel, at some point, our sacrifice will result in some love coming our way - if we "fix", attend to, grovel, or are super generous - there will be some magical reciprocity. Which, of course, will never happen when dealing with people who have deep narcissistic wounds.

So you have to take an honest inventory of what you are capable of handling. How able are you to truly discharge your chosen duty without being further damaged? What is your own role in keeping this dynamic going? Can you face the fact that you have been an emotional orphan of sorts? Can you stop tap dancing for a love that will never come?

In my own life, I have found that facing the fact of being an emotional orphan was the best medicine. Then I could stop waiting for the love that would never come and feed myself directly. Not easy, especially given the deep grooves that being codependent (and being used as a battery) can cut into the psyche.

If you continue to be in this relationship, at the very least change your role in it. Take responsibility for putting yourself in the middle of your parent’s relationship and do your best to tend to your own needs. While being a good child to your parents, make sure your service is pure and that you are not begging nor waiting for their love. And be a parent to your own inner child that has been patiently waiting for your attention.