ASK ABDI: I’VE DONE SO MUCH WORK ON MYSELF! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

QUESTION: I just ended a toxic relationship that involved several layers of PTSD from my ex. I tried my best… he split and is with someone else now. I broke into pieces from it. I should’ve left when he showed me the red flags. I’m doing EMDR, lots of breathwork, microdosing some days, and even tried ayahuasca. I did all this because I was literally losing it… very sad. Overall, I’m doing better. But there is this emptiness that's still there.

I’ve done so much work on myself! For years! What is happening to me? I feel like my insides are exploding. I have this image of "self" / "creative self" that keeps popping up. But it’s so hard to attain it, in fact, scary. I’m suspended… more aware, but empty. What's the bigger picture here that I’m not seeing? I feel completely fucked. Like that scene from Poltergeist… “what is happening?!!”

ANSWER: What is happening to you is the brutal and gradual process of waking up. Waking up is not easy business and it always involves a painful passage. The specifics of how and why this takes place within the wounding of relationships has been exhaustively discussed on this website. Suffice it to say that we all hold deep unconscious terror of intimacy regardless of what our conscious mind desires.

The terror, pain, and “emptiness", although part of the process, are not easy to bear. But learning to tolerate them, while the birthing of the true Self is in progress, is helpful. Of course, one also has to do the work not to repeat the patterns that bring on this pain. That takes longer for most of us than we would consciously desire, but that is the nature of the beast. So the frustration that one has “done so much work” on oneself is natural, but for those of us most wounded (and who isn’t) - we are talking decades. That has certainly been my own personal experience as well as the thousands that I have worked intimately with.

I appreciate all the hard work that you are doing. The EMDR and microdosing can help with healing the trauma by releasing held emotions as well as revealing patterns. But be aware that you can not push this process along. Being mobilized with movement is one of the myriad ways that we push away the pain. The feelings of emptiness, suspension, and so forth that you describe tells you that the old wounds that were mistaken for the true you are being dismantled. The new / true has not been fully revealed yet although it is in process. Use all these tools at hand to surrender, not to mobilize. Intention of action is of great importance in this journey.

Lastly, do remember that outside circumstances do not define our internal experience if we can surrender into them. Painful or undesirable situations will always arise in life; true suffering comes from our ego’s desire to resist life as it is. As you journey back to your Self, meditate on this truth.