ASK ABDI: HOW TO LIVE IN THE WORLD WHEN THERE IS IMMENSE INTERNAL CHANGE?
QUESTION: The past two months I’ve been experiencing a lot of internal energy shifting/movement - sometimes days at a time. Really blissful, but sometimes followed by intense vulnerability, fear, and fatigue. I’m definitely not shutting in like a hermit, but I am spending a lot of time with myself - conserving energy and giving myself a lot of space to sit still with it all (focusing a lot on my hard belly). I’m outwardly unproductive, spending more money than I’m bringing in, moving super slowly, and socially pretty awkward; but inwardly - I feel that I’m releasing patterns and letting go of years of tension, reconfiguring is a word that comes to mind. I feel deeply connected to a clear guiding voice (I don’t know if voice is really a good word - maybe force) and I sense that this is all good, an investment of sorts in myself. But I also feel disoriented and passive. There are times when fear is just overwhelming and I feel like this inner “voice”, that I’m so blindly trusting and banking on leading me somewhere, is just nutty - and I need to snap back into a mode that can produce some tangible results, but the times that I do “snap back” feel wrong, like I’m just wasting energy. I keep coming back to feeling that I should just keep trusting (if I’m going to trust in anything, it should probably be something internal), and this phase will pass into something totally new that I can’t fully conceive of right now. Any thoughts?
ANSWER: When one is in deep transition like you are, it is going to feel odd to not follow the robotic path one has been following all one’s life. That inner voice is our only guide. Of course, it is important in the initial phases of reconnecting with it to keep checking that it is the true inner voice and not the ego machination being an impostor. And one needs to tend to the outer realm at the same time as the inner is getting nourished. Talk to trusted others about your process and do your best to keep your outer life in some semblance of order while you tend to yourself. Do remember that most people have forsaken this inner relationship, and the fear that you are feeling will be mirrored by many people who will want you to move on as quickly as possible.
As you say, this truly is an investment of the highest order in oneself. All relationships stem from this place. Keep outer deadlines to a minimum, do not start new projects, and spend as much time as you can tending to this fire - short of becoming homeless. The fact that you can not foresee where it is heading is a pointer to its authenticity, as only the ego can try to control these things, not our true voice. The process is what is of utmost importance, not the destination. These alchemical processes have their own time, they are not events. One breath at a time.