ASK ABDI: HOW DO I UNLEASH THE FALSE?
QUESTION: There is a force in me - that anything I touch becomes a disaster. Anything I want to do is an uphill climb. I know the problem is me, I am not a bad person, but some force in me - blocks me. I can feel the force wanting to destroy me. I can feel its power, but I can not overcome it. It enjoys my misery. Today, I felt its power and I tried to let it go by not resisting. I tried to be with it, but it follows me. I don’t know how to shift my thinking, how to get rid of it, how to live with it. I know I spend too much energy trying to get rid of it, so it keeps me from getting there. How do I unleash the false?
ANSWER: You are dealing with an issue everyone has to contend with. The fact that you are so cognizant of it is a huge benefit. The first step in solving a problem is to become fully aware of it. Step away from the notion of good or bad. It rains on us whether we perceive ourselves to be worthy or unworthy. Most of us are trained with that thinking as a form of cultural control. Second, it is not about overcoming this force as much as understanding, healing, and assimilating it, as opposed to crushing it. Think more T’ai Chi or Aikido, less karate. One can not “get rid of it", one heals it. It is all you, not some outside force. It is usually formed as a defense mechanism against an external wounding. Your willpower is useless here, as you seem to have found out. Third, “it” does not enjoy your misery, you enjoy its misery. More accurately, your unconscious does. Look up the concept of negative pleasure, it will give you some insight into the working of this phenomena.
Roll your sleeves up and dig deep. A good therapist is invaluable here.