QUESTION: My boyfriend has hurt me, yet again, by not keeping to his word and going behind my back and doing something hurtful. There is a pattern with these unconscious behaviors of his that bring up abandonment issues. Is there a way for me to get past or let go of being hurt by these actions? It’s gnawing at me because I feel I deserve better than someone who would do these kinds of things.

So, I know what the implications are and it’s just not going to work for me to be with someone who calls me his lover and yet does shit like that. I’m particularly upset because an ex and I were talking, and he said I “go out of my way to create bad energy and make people treat me like crap".

So, I’m curious if that’s true from what you see, and if so, what should I do about it?

ANSWER: Before getting past or letting go of the hurt, you have to really sit with it. Something that is not pleasant and that none of us want to do, but the only way to be fully informed about what has happened. People show us themselves all the time, most of us are too anxious to truly pay attention to what is being shown. You say that you have a gnawing feeling, that you deserve someone better. Sit with that feeling. Ask yourself: why then are you in a situation where you are not being respected the way you feel like you should be. Also examine to see if this particular situation has been repeated in different disguises in other relationships, intimate or otherwise.

So you are told by an ex that you “go out of your way to create bad energy”. Does that resonate to you? If no, what is that person alluding to, or is it just their own projection? If yes, what are the specific circumstances that trigger that response from you? In either case, the only thing that can be done in these situations is to pay attention and own our part in it.

You have joked to me before about wanting a man in your life that is good-looking and rich. Those are desirable qualities to have. But I have never heard you say that you want a man that you will feel safe with. Or a man that will honor your spirit, which I feel is what you are really asking for. You might want to add those qualities to your checklist. And to offer them to yourself, as well.