ASK ABDI: HOW DO I COPE WITH THE LOSS OF MY DOG?

QUESTION: How do I cope with the loss of my loyal companion of 11 years? She may have been a 50 lb boxer, but she possessed a level of understanding and compassion beyond any human potential.

I have a theory as to why losing her has been more devastating than losing my parents. As we grow, we wean ourselves off of our parents so that we can become independent adults while also developing emotional barriers to protect ourselves from losing loved ones, including partners and friends who pass through our lives. However, with our pets, we go “all in”. We openly expose our vulnerabilities to them, trusting that they will never hurt us, never doubting whether they will be by our side through every emotional rollercoaster ride. I believe this is why losing them can be nearly debilitating. I have feared this day knowing that it would be difficult but never could have imagined how painful it actually is.

ANSWER: I know how brutal losing any long-term relationship can be. Loss of a pet, being the balls of love that they are, does cut deep. My heart goes out to you. True as everything you say might be for you, do try to stay in your feelings instead of thinking. I know your heart is broken. Remember that we all do our best to avoid that. Whether by conscious or unconscious design, we do our best to keep an iron gate around our heart because we do know "how painful loss actually is”. We avoid all manners of intimacy just for this specific reason, regardless of how unaware we might be or consciously wish for the opposite. We can use everything at our disposal, including a lifetime of incessant thinking, so as to guard our heart.

But heartbreak is a sign of a life well lived. The only way to avoid it is to be numb and not care. Inviting in vulnerability is the way to awakening. It is okay to live with loss even though there will be times when it will not feel so. Your bond with this animal helped thaw out your heart. In the almost two decades that you have been my patient, I saw firsthand the balm of heart-healing this relationship provided you. Her passing from physical form does not end that healing. 

Does it hurt like hell? Of course it does. But take heart in the fact that you dared to love even though you "have feared this day knowing that it would be difficult". It has been my experience that any deep and true relationship will, at some point, involve heartbreak. That is part of their gift, they break us open. We can certainly sit on the sidelines through a lifetime and do our best not to allow our hearts to be touched. Or we can work hard at jumping into the game and letting love break us open. Good on you for being in the latter camp.

At times like this, I always remember the wisdom of the Mexican tradition (with its origins in the Mayan and Aztec cultures) around death and dying. They say there are three deaths with any passing. The first is when the body ceases to function and hence not heard. The second is when the deceased is buried and no longer seen. The third and most definitive death is when the deceased is forgotten and no longer remembered. Make an altar for yourself and keep that connection alive. 

Love is the only thing that is real, despite the strongest illusions to the contrary in this culture of ours. My heart is with you.