ASK ABDI: WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON GURU MISCONDUCT?

QUESTION: Last month I had a brutal run-in with my new spiritual teacher who, although gifted, is certifiably insane. I will not go into details, but it involved all three issues of power, money, and sex that you talk about. And all three in one go, just unbelievable. I am so bloody angry and ashamed for not seeing this sooner…

In the recent news, there has been a new rash of abuse from “famous” gurus. I have actually sat in satang with three of the accused. There was the forced retirement of Sogyal Rinpoche last year because of physical and sexual abuse. The Rinpoche at the head of Shambhala Institute is accused of sexual abuse by multiple women. John Of God, the world-renowned healer, has 600 complaints accusing him of sexual abuse. I have also been hearing about the sexual, power, and money issues around Amma, the hugging saint. It is just heartbreaking to me. I know you have been talking about this for a while. Anything you want to share about all this guru abuse? 

ANSWER: Yes, it is heartbreaking. And deeply damaging. We idealize teachers and put them on pedestals. We can forget that they are humans too, with their own shadows. The lack of clarity around spiritual and psychological work has serious consequences. Unless the teachers have psychologically tended to themselves, their wounds will fester and ooze out into their community. Even if they are working on themselves, healing takes a long while - as it does for all of us. The power given to teachers by their students is a magnifier of what lies below the conscious level of the teacher.

With any kind of guru worship, we are looking for a mommy or daddy on some level. Because of that, we do not readily recognize the possibility of deeply damaging behavior. We will project perfection onto the teacher - something that will be deadly to any human being. I have seen this in several communities over the decades: at a Zen monastery, a shamanic circle, with an extraordinarily gifted and powerful healer as well as several psychics. These women and men all had gifts that were real and useful, but it came at such a high price. The real lesson was not just what they were teaching me, but me learning to take my own power back. Always remember that all another person can do is to point you to your own self. They can not give you anything you do not already have. At best, they are an intermediary, but they are not the source. And that is where we get into trouble. We replace the source with someone who attempts to connect us.

When the Dalai Lama was asked about how to approach Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche of Shambhala that you speak of, he said to tell him the truth of the pain he is causing, while not forgetting the good he has done. There is wisdom in that statement. At the same time, if you have been sexually or mentally assaulted, how much of it can you truly apply? That is devastating business that will leave a deep mark. The question then becomes: what is the best way to take care of yourself? There will be anger, betrayal, and a sense of shame for not having seen the damage taking place. We have to be gentle with ourselves - since we are, in fact, blind in these situations. We do tend to fully give our power over. And a group setting can magnify and intensify that self-abandonment. There are deep psychological forces at work to keep the game going.

This idealization of the mommy/daddy image is, of course, dangerous business because we leave our adult mind out of the room. There is so much of unresolved parental issues that get projected onto teachers. Many times, the teachers themselves are blind to the dynamic at hand. As a student, we might even see things that are off, but the group gestalt will keep us from being able to act on it. When we do break off, we can go into shock and rage for the brutal way we were abused. And many times, the group can turn on or abandon us because they are not willing or ready to face the issues at hand. That can deepen our wounding.

Putting our center back into ourselves is a very important part of the healing. I have been through this several times with different teachers over the decades. After some time, I had to also look at what aspects of myself that knew but did not listen. This was not done as self-blame but rather as an examination of how I could better tend to myself. It is a brutal lesson to learn, but it did teach me to trust my inner self. That takes times. Always remember that when groups are involved, we really can check our brains at the door and amp each other up, and fully become blind to the reality unfolding in front of us.

Always remember that your path is different from any other person. The destination is the same for all, but not the journey. We might all want to get across the country, but there are infinite ways to do that. One can fly, drive, ride, run, walk, or crawl. And there are an amazing number of routes we can take. Who is to say which way will work best for you? Remember that as you shop in the spiritual marketplace. Lovingly I ask you, what are you looking for with any and all of these teachers? It is best to learn what we can without giving up our sovereignty and wits. It is our responsibility alone to tend to ourselves. There are no magic shortcuts. We have to rub the sleep out of our own eyes and gaze past the net of the mind. No one can do the work for us but us. Thankfully, we are at a time when the hypnosis of projecting perfection onto others is slowly wearing off.