ASK ABDI: AM I FOOLISH TO RECONNECT WITH A RELATIONSHIP THAT THREATENED MY MARRIAGE?
QUESTION: About a year ago, I befriended a guy at work. Our relationship was always just a friendship with nothing sexual implied or expressed, but we got very close, very quickly. I really enjoyed this guy’s company and being connected to him often helped break up the monotony of the workday. Then my husband found out and became insanely jealous.
We’ve spent a lot of time in couples therapy, he working on issues of jealously and control, and me working on issues of intimacy and trust. Our relationship is in a much better place now.
But I miss my friend. I had to essentially cut off all contact with him to appease my husband, but now that my marriage is in a better place, I’m thinking about reaching out again. I miss the connection and camaraderie that we once had together. I am scared that in doing so I risk undoing all the work that has been done.
Am I foolish to try to reconnect? Or should I just let things be?
ANSWER: Why are you bringing this question to someone outside of your marriage after everything that has happened? It feels like you are asking permission to start smoking after having had to quit due to a massive heart attack. This feels really shady. Either your husband is deeply wounded or he was picking up on something that was not clean with this other man. Or a combination. Only you know the answer to that question.
Shit happens, we meet people, feelings develop. There is no right or wrong, but there certainly are consequences. Like the rest of us, you are split inside of yourself. We pull things towards us with one hand, and at the same time, push it away with the other. Make room for that. One part of you is committed to your marriage and is putting the work in to make it work. Another is opening the door to something that can blow it up. All human stuff, but do keep an eye on yourself and examine where this is coming from. From that place, ask yourself: are you foolish to try to reconnect or should you let things be? Or rather, do you want to stay married and why?