How do I work through anxiety and distrust and move back into the ability to discern, and just be. I’ve had so many things happen over the years that I’ve just closed myself off. Like I’ve slept through part of my life and now I feel the change to “awaken” and to trust the process. Walk a path where I don’t know the outcome, but know that the road I’m on is not the one I should be. I need to obtain clarify, to refocus, not deny my feelings, let go and allow myself to just be with
all around me.

The fact that you are aware enough to know something is off is half the battle. Follow this smoke of discontent and discomfort to the fire that will burn away all that does not serve you.

Start by sitting with yourself five minutes a day with out distractions. Feel your feet on the floor, fill your belly with air and pay attention to what comes up. The anxiety will be difficult to sit with initially but with persistence you can go past it. The journey back into alignment will be shown to you by your own Self. One step at a time.That voice is always present in all of us but we do our best all day to numb and shut it down. Make some room to listen, the rest will be revealed. It really is that easy. And that arduous.

 

I have written this because even though at half past midnight, these words and sentiments feel strong and true – (bravely honest even) – in the day, I am brilliantly adept and fast at submerging and hiding them and still trying to convince myself that my numb, dumb and dishonest way of living is SO much easier and a much more viable solution for happiness and contentment. (And even that I am ashamed, angry and disappointed with myself for feeling.)

Isn’t it slightly ridiculous and silly to fear that living within and owning all of myself – i.e. living authentically and with integrity – will bring me to a life of loneliness, despair and emptiness? But silly or not, it’s true. To stop hiding scares me.

I want to trust what I’ve tried to kill or dull with food, drugs, thrill-seeking etc. and live out loud – i.e. live with integrity and spontaneity but I am deeply afraid and don’t know quite how to do it.

I stand at the water’s edge. Without the numbing force of over-eating and inappropriate food, I feel the pain inside me and a slight panic by not feeling in control. I am floundering and bubbling up like Brewer’s Yeast, with anger, fear, frustration, sadness and rage toward both myself, others and memories all around. Being gentle smacks hard and is so much more to contend with than the simple effects of being brutal and unforgiving toward myself. How ironic is that?

I am suggesting to my ego that the gut instincts, radars of compassion, love and sensitivity (toward myself) that I came into this world with are trustworthy and safe to live by. I have been denying and tuning out from my instincts for such a long time, and the fact that those instincts are now so faint (yet persistent) infuriates me because it’s easier to listen to the loud-mouth or go for the quick-fix than to try and decipher and codify a frequency that I can barely hear and make sense of; let alone trust as a law of life to live by. I’ve become used to trusting an echo that resonates with a life of cold matter-of-fact reality and its consequence, when I step out of line, is that my innate sense of safety and validity are threatened and violated, sending me to a place of terror where there is nothing but a purposeful will for numb security. This, of course, sends me scuttling back for more of the same disastrous menu reinforcing an experience of life as untrustworthy, hurtful and shocking to my nervous system. What a hideous menu I have been feeding myself.

Trusting something sensitive, distant and frail within myself is what I’m battling with now. I am at a junction of choice but in order to step ahead, I must walk a tightrope 1000 miles above what, if I fall into, is certain death, on a rope that I have spent years convincing myself is made of cotton and therefore, life-threatening. With trust though, it is rope.

To trust is to take the leap of faith that what revealed to me, to befriending negative space, to laughing with and having sound as my true friend, is simply my manifestation. And that’s the short and the long of it. It’s the voice I need to use and speak with and own on a moment-to-moment basis – not only when I am on my own or it suits getting a friend or healing or caring for people, but 24/7. It’s my true self and something to start trying to love and honor instead of stuffing and being ashamed of.

I think living is similar to playing a musical instrument – a million ways to fake it and make sound but only one way comes from the heart and thereby connects.

Such honesty, truth and clarity you write with. I am in awe. Do not pull back, sit with this truth, as uncomfortable as it is. Keep the fire lit and let it burn away all that is false and bring forth the real. You are that you seek, having forgotten that, you have looked and manipulated all over. Welcome back, you are almost home.

 

My marriage has taken a turn for the very worse. My husband is accusing me of having an affair with a colleague. The more I try to prove my innocence, the more he is convinced that I cheated on him. It is getting both scary and disgusting and I feel so angry, hurt and ashamed. He has accused me over and over again of fooling around on him in front of our child who is with me ALL THE TIME. It has been a week of back and forth, ups and downs. It has been years of jealousy and insecurity. I told him I don’t want to feel like a bird in a cage, but that is where I am at now. I’m not allowed to to make new friends, he’s even jealous of my female friends!

Our first go at marriage therapy was a disaster. Mostly because he was convinced that we are the perfect couple. I know that if I did go back, he will torture me for the rest of our lives together. I’ve asked that he quit his heavy solo drinking and pot smoking to see things more clearly. At first he agreed, but in truth it’s been over 10 years that he hasn’t had 2-3, sometimes 4 beers or drinks every night. He sobered for 1 night and that was when he apologized profusely for accusing me. My main priority now is our child.

We are all being forced to face places where our lives are not aligned. Your journey sounds painful to say the least. You are powerless over your partner’s attitude and approach to his and your life. Where you do have power is examining your unconscious need and wounding that has brought you to a such a painful point where you feel victimized and in rage.

You write much about your partner’s shortcoming and true as they might be, you need to examine your unconscious cooperation in helping set up a situation where your needs are not met. From my experience, the responsibility in these situations lie equally on the shoulder of both partners, however the external circumstances might seem. Not pleasant to hear when we are so sure that the blame lays squarely with our partner but nevertheless true. All you write about is his actions and behaviors. If what you write is accurate, you have been living with someone with the addiction monkey on his back. This has not developed over night, why have you not dealt with this issue? Where is your part in this? How has this served you and your own fears of intimacy? Where is this pattern similar for you in other parts of your life, either your childhood or other relationships?

You say that “Our first go at marriage therapy was a disaster. I know that if I did go back, he will torture me for the rest of our lives together”. Whether you stay or leave this relationship, I strongly recommend that you do some sessions with a couple’s therapist to figure out how you ended up in this place. This way, if you stay, you can correct some of the wrongs and if you leave, you can have a better chance of not repeating this pattern. And to make sure that it is not passed on to your child. The gift of these painful transitions is our lives, as brutal as they are, is our chance for breaking a pattern. I invite you to do so with the full awareness that anything short of an honest inventory will only lead to more pain down the road. These times demand nothing less of us.

 

I am a mid-20′s male, and I have come to the realization that I no
longer have any interest in the profession I’ve had for the past
eight years. I wish to make the shift to youth counseling, however I
feel that in order to be taken seriously, I must have a “degree” that
“proves my worthiness.” I feel somewhat chained to the system, in that
at this time in our history, I must submit myself to the “teachings”
of the universities in order to be prepared for my career.

The reason I feel this way, is because I know deep in my heart that
the best teaching is done on a personal level, meaning myself only,
no one else. I feel I’ve learned so much within myself, and I simply
wish to apply this knowledge into a counseling career. Without having
to “prove my worth” to any external entity. (I feel I have much to
prove, but again, it is on a personal level, not to anyone else).

I feel I came to this planet for a reason, and it is not to have a
high-paying job in a “thriving industry”, but instead to work upon
myself so that I can fulfill my spiritual contract, which is to live
by helping others. I feel in my heart that everyone is a reflection
of me, so to love and help myself, the natural result it to love and
help others, in a non-forceful way.

So, my question is: In a world that requires “credentials” to be
taken seriously, how does one obtain success in a field that one has
studied purely through daily exercises in self-analysis and
reflection?

Many of us are being called upon to step into our power and to help in our
awakening as well as of that of our fellow travelers. That can mean letting
go of our comfort zone and stepping into a line of work that is foreign to our
present way of life. Good on you for listening and considering the move.

I feel your pain around the whole degree thing. I too have found it irritating
and agree with many of your points. At the same time if you want to institute
change in the system, a great place to start is within it and hence the need
for the certification. It is not about “proving your worthiness” as much as
professions as entities protect themselves by making others jump through their hoops. Having said that, there is still useful information that can help you be
of better assistance to others. It is not all bullshit at these institutions, just partly.

Be aware of your rigid thinking. There is no one way to “fulfill one’s spiritual contract”.
One can easily hide behind the mantle of being a healer while working in a “thriving high paying job” can bring forth many rough edges that can be hidden when one
is working one on one with others. No person is an island unto themselves as much as one might try to be so. And while all paths lead to the same goal, working with others is the fastest way of learning about oneself that I know of.

Soften your stance, use your inner knowing that is calling you to service and meditate to be shown the fastest way you can get out there to do your thing. As much as you might know and understand, healing is a vast field where self knowledge is only part of the requirement. There are many nuances especially where counseling is concerned. I think you will be surprised by some of the information that you can gather when studying for it. Others are a reflection of us but they are not us and it takes more than spiritual knowledge and love to assist them.

Lastly, no need to wait for a degree to start your service. Start right now by mentoring a youth through one of the many organizations that are available nationwide.

 

As one that subscribes to the path of the sacred warrior i am wondering if due to this stance i’ve co-created a life that’s unrelenting and unforgiving. For a long time now i am assailed on all fronts with challenges (lessons): intimate relationships, familial relationships, work relationships, casual relationships, my relationships with my teachers, my relationship to the world-at-large (NYC!) and the universe, my relationship to myself on all levels; physical, emotional, energetic, spiritual, memories, dreams, intentions, etc.

Sometimes it leaves me in a space of despair. I can “fight the good fight” – and i WILL fight the good fight until the very end. but my question is then this: what kind of life is that? Did i choose my path wisely – or did i choose my path out of vanity and ego or blind masculine romanticism? At times i question this – and can see the real point of “ignorance is bliss”.

If my desire is to truly become authentic – to “wake up” as it were – how do i follow that path and NOT feel that i’ve created a life of more and more suffering. Where is peace? Where is joy? Where is love? where is compassion? Why do i only get glimpses when it seems that i should be able to experience so much more at this point of my life? Why do i feel so utterly alone?

I invite you to release being a warrior and step into the path of no path. Warriors fight and that is a strong intention to carry inside of you. There are times where one is called to step into that energy but it is one of many tools needed in the road to remembering the Self. A sharp sword is indispensable in cutting through a thick forest but a hindrance in bathing or cooking. For many of us adept at using one tool it is common to try to use it to address all that we come upon on our path.

You say that you will fight the good fight to the end, how about ending that line of thinking for a bit and stepping back? Could it be possible that in your world view as a warrior you are seeing everything and everyone as the foe?

No matter what your conscious mind is tending to, the unconscious is in the driver’s seat. With such a strong intent, that energy permeates your whole being. The scariest thing for a warrior is love, peace and serenity since it spells the end of its understanding and its reason for being. With out peace there can be no joy.

Put your sword down tonight and stare up at the moon. Call on your warrior nature to stand naked, with no position to defend and dare to live in the unknown until a new way becomes apparent. Until that time keep empty and live with the anxiety that comes in times of transition. Your writing says that you are ready to let go. We come here alone and leave here alone. Alone is ALL ONE. This brief transition called life is short and passes quickly. Eat until you are full.

 

How do I deal with people who have things (wealth, a good life, etc) that they don’t deserve? Do you think I have some anger/resentment issues?

Good on you for your honesty. We all have these cobwebs in our psyche and it is only through an honest investigation of them that we clear their energy sapping presence from our lives.

Examine where your judgment comes from. Judgment of others is a mirror of unresolved issues in our psyche and it is our reaction that leads the way of where the healing needs to occur. Clearing them leads to our being centered and for serenity to permeate our consciousness.

Observe that you are triggered by what people “deserve” and your inclusion of wealth and good life to that list. Does a flower deserve the sun? Grass deserve rain? What will it take for you to feel like you deserve a good life? What do you consider that to be and how far are you from living that? What would it take for you to create that for yourself?

We all play for the same team, that needs to remembered. Ultimately we do not have to like every one but we do have to love them.

 

Do you think chronic pain is curable, even after years? What do you think this pain teaches us?

Healing is a deep mystery and there are no easy answers here. Chronic pain is a brutal condition that can wear down the body-mind.

Sometimes a cigar is a cigar. There is pain due to a myriad of physical issues that is irreversible. More often, there is a distinct connection between the emotional state and the pain, even if the pain was not caused by an emotional issue. Look into Dr John Sarno’s books on pain regarding this topic.

First, there is a difference between curing and healing. Curing is symptomatic relief while healing denotes a deeper shift. One can cure the pain while the underlying issue can lead to another symptom. One can heal the underlying issue and still be living with the pain but from a different relationship. The ultimate goal of course is to heal the pain and be free from it.

I have seen people become pain free after many years doing a variety of things from finding the right technician, healer or therapist. So yes it is possible. Sometimes pain does have something to teach us such as pushing us towards healing unresolved emotional issues. Sometimes the presence of pain gives us permission for self care.

As in all these discussions, I invite you to examine line between examining the issue and taking appropriate action and the new agey idea that we manifest pain which in turn leads self blame.

 

I am in terrible pain post a break-up that happened nearly 2 years ago and I am still suffering deeply. I have no healers or mentors in my life and I am realizing how badly I need them.

i guess the message is that i need love! and living without it is so painful. But that when it came to me i was so scared, and i messed up, although i had built my life entirely around us, and lost it all when i lost him – home, job, friends, location, love, him. And now i am 35 and feeling there are no chances. Which of course is not true, but in two years i have not moved on at all, emotionally, materially, home-wise, career-wise. Deep pain of rejection and pain from childhood of some neglect I guess.

My question would be -how do i listen to the messages of grief and not be drowned by it? The pain is physical, desperate, wild, terrifying, and feels so damaging. I try to make a balance between sitting with it (vomit-like sobbing ensues for hours or even days) and trying to see love and light and possibilities and loving my siblings for example and not letting myself think about it, but then the juggernaut catches up and knocks me flat.

I am not ready to let go. I guess because life without him is too scary. And accepting what i messed up and lost is too much to bear. I do not say this lightly, though it sounds so trite. I am teteering on the edge of blackness and sometimes i fall a little way in when the reality of all i lost bites, and i feel a profound hopelessness and helplessness and a deep bleak pain, and like shaky acid coursing in my veins, a deep panic. To be honest i am not even sure what letting go means. Can you help me on that one?

You say you need love. Good on you. Be aware that our work is not to look for love as much as it is to discover and remove all the ways that we keep love out. Every body gets scared around receiving love, just to differing degrees. We spend our whole lives fortifying what we perceive to be ourselves against it. We have all perfected a myriad of techniques and defense mechanisms against being vulnerable and nothing makes us more vulnerable than love.

First and foremost I would recommend that you work with a therapist to help you navigate these dark waters. It might even be helpful to be open to some temporary use of an anti anxiety or anti depressant to stabilize you as you work through this part of your passage. The darkness, hopelessness and helplessness that you write about might need strong measures to counter act.

You are mixing many things in the pot that might not belong together. The pain from the break up and your part in it is obviously painful but to say that nothing has changed “emotionally, materially, home-wise, career-wise” need to be examined. You need help to pull all these things apart and see what is contributing to what.

Sitting with pain as in a meditation practice and being absolutely overwhelmed and drowned by it are two different things. While the first can be helpful, that latter is deep depression setting in and no amount of will power can help that. If you want love, be open to giving some to yourself in helping your self get out of this pain.

You say that “life with out him is scary” but you have faced this fear for the past two years and here you are. I understand that you are not ready to let go, that is your prerogative but it has deep consequences in terms of your suffering. I suggest that you start looking at what part of you is comfortable in this pain and prefers to connect through it instead of letting go and being open to what your life will bring you. You are suffering deeply in the way that you have chosen, why not be open to another?

 

What is the distinction between repeatedly asking the same questions and it being bravery and learning, and repeatedly asking the same questions and it being martyrdom and reinforcing one’s personal tale of woe? I’m repeating habitual behaviour, (at least, so it seems) and even with a 360 view and education and feeling the misery and penalties of this old behaviour, I still keep at it. What is it that keeps me slow and mired in my own mud? I repeat patterns formed at a young age. I know this and yet it seems, I stubbornly refuse the alternative. Why don’t I dump all this rot and move on?

What is change and how do I manifest it? Is change as simple as Zen implies? Instantaneous? And if so, aren’t I wasting my time, yours and everyone else with my blathering on ad infinitum? And if change IS instantaneous, why can’t/don’t I follow that rhythm? If I say I want to change, what do I mean? If I truly mean it, then is it immediate? Are my word choices what misleads me? Should I just say, “I’ve changed”, and see what follows? Can life be that simplistic?

Let’s take it a step at at a time:
Old patterns (and from my perspective some of these patterns are incarnational, we actually come in with them) take a long time to break. There can be a myriad of reasons but it starts with negative pleasure. When pain is inflicted at a young age we attach pleasure to it in order to emotionally survive it. As adults these painful patterns are still comfortable to the unconscious mind, no matter how painful to the conscious. Furthermore the breaking of them and going to positive territory and hence unknown is actually scary. That is what keeps one in old patterns.

A good rule when trying to break patterns is to keep an eye on people, places and things that trigger the unwanted issue. For example let say we are a smoker trying to kick the habit. The people part would be to avoid certain people that are smokers and lead us to smoking. The places part could be avoiding hanging in front of buildings where people smoke. And the thing to avoid might be a drink that makes us crave a cigarette and hence weaken our resolve.

You will drop this rot once the pain is big enough. Hopefully sooner but usually not for the deep rooted patterns. Beating yourself up is the flip side of the same coin that repeats the pattern. Watch that and how it always flips into the unhealthy patterns. Make an intention and stick with it. Set your intent and check yourself daily for all the ways that you betray it. Reset your direction once you catch yourself wandering off course.

True change is slow. Fast changes always revert back or get channeled into another unhealthy pattern. See smokers stop and gain a zillion pounds? Alcoholics quit and each a ton of sugar? Porn addicts give up cruising the internet and go on shopping binges? Any true negative pattern takes deep hard work. True instantaneous change took a long time to get there. For example, you can walk in the door having come home from a long trip. The actual unlocking and stepping into the door of your apartment is fast. But the actual trip is much longer. You planned it, booked it, it awoke early, took a cab, got to the airport, flew home, gathered your luggage, caught another cab to get to your front door. Instantaneous change has a whole fleet of concrete actions before it.

No, saying you want change means nothing. In fact this whole new agey thing about saying something brins it to you is pure bullshit. It is hard work, letting go of what does not serve you, living with the anxiety in the unknown until the new reveals itself to you is the only way.

Life is far from that simple. Hard for the ego and its need for immediate gratification to hear that. Do your inner work, one step at a time, examine where you fall short, see what can be done about it and keep plugging away. Remember, beating yourself up will just energize the negative patterns. Be gentle and firm at the same time. Your being at your wits end is a positive sign.

Is it possible for us to deceive other people, telling blatant lies,
and believe that those lies do not hurt the party (ies) involved?

In other words, is there any innocence to lies?

The human mind is capable of immense insanity when it is not tethered to its center. So yes, we are all capable of deceit, blatant or otherwise to gain some perceived advantage. If there is an ego, then there is always a position that can seem to need defending The words innocence and lies do not mix.

The damage starts with the person telling the lies as an aspect of us is always conscious of our actions, regardless of how we justify the lies. But it takes two or more to play the game. Responsibility also lies with the person or group being lied to as well, since again an aspect of us is always aware of lies. Think back to every time you were lied to, a part of you knew and did not listen.

How can i calm a restless mind? how do i renew/strengthen Qi?

Your two questions are intertwined. Incessant thinking is one of the biggest energy drains on the body. The body can not distinguish between thought and reality and hence every thought is accompanied by a cascade of chemical changes in the system. That leads to a wasting of the qi. Furthermore, most of us are anxious beings and constant thinking is a mechanism to keep anxiety and other emotions at bay.

A great place to start is to feel your body. As you are reading this, you attention is most likely somewhere behind your eyes and in your head. Feel your feet on the ground, be aware of your butt in the chair, hear the noises around you. Put yourself in the moment by using your body awareness. Thinking is always about the past and the future, being in the moment slows that down.

Meditation is another place that can help in teaching you how to calm the mind. That in itself is an arduous task and can take hard work to accomplish. A teacher can be invaluable in getting a good start. Techniques can basically be divided into two groups: ones that teach you to pay attention (like I described above) or ones that teach you distraction (for example the repetition of a mantra).

Paying attention to your breathing; an attention technique; is useful in calming the nervous system and hence the mind. Shallow breathing; which is how most of us breathe; can and does agitate the mind into more action than slower abdominal breathing. Getting into a regular practice of deep breathing has profound effects on the mind. Breathing techniques are powerful tools used in may systems to replenish the energy of the body.

Dietary adjustments can be helpful as well. Caffeine, nicotine, sugar and refined foods can play havoc on the body’s energy and agitate the mind. The two most abused drugs in this culture, caffeine and nicotine are actually substances that accentuate concentration; they put you more into your head. And burn away the qi. They dissociate you from being in the moment. Perfect drugs for an anxious culture.

I don’t know how I got this way but I feel completely alienated from everyone.
I prefer being alone most of the time, although every once in awhile I desire
friendship. The idea of even having close friends is so far from my realm of possibility.
I rarely meet people I feel a connection with. Maybe I am too picky or judgmental
but of all the old friends I have distance myself from I only regret doing so with one.

My problem is I just can’t identify with most of the petty trivial bullshit everyone
else seems to occupy their energy with. I guess my question would be how do I
assimilate to this life or find a way of living a life like a hermit?

First off, you have to make sure that you have not slipped into a depression.
That is an issue that needs to be dealt with expert help and not something
to be taken lightly.

Barring that, I am observing a deep re-organizing of personal friendships and
social contracts in many of us. We have to release what does not serve us and
invite in what does. Many times this can include a time where we are alone as
we wait for the new to reveal itself. This does not mean that we have to be hermits.
Being a hermit is too easy a cop out, it is in interaction with life that we can
discover and soften our sharp edges.

We are simultaneously living in two worlds right now. There is a strong push
towards awakening and an equal push towards staying asleep. Our psyches, the
environment and our lives are pushing us to the former while consciously we push
away from it. This is the cause for the sense of discomfort and anxiety that many
of us are experiencing right now.

Remember that we all play on the same team. Keep your heart open to those that
want to keep sleepwalking. You do not have to do so but do check where your
anger is coming from. We all will remember our true nature at some point, just at
different paces. As you release these relationships examine what part of you was
being fed in them. Befriend your anger, sit with it and use it to fuel your self towards
a life that is authentic to you.

Make a conscious intent to bring in like minded others into your life. You are far
from alone in your seeking of deeper meaning beyond the mindless consumption
that passes for life in our culture. You do not have to assimilate into mindlessness,
find and live the life that you crave. You are clear about what you do not want. That
is one step. Now dig deeper and find out what feeds you. The gift of being at the end
of one’s rope is the chance to walk a different path.

I have been a practicing clinical social worker for the last 22 years.
I came to this profession out of childhood rooted in emotional pain
and adult care taking: both of my parents are extremely narcissistic
and used their children soley for their own need fulfillment. So I spent
many years on the therapy couch, beginning in my teens.

My question to you has to do with my work life. For many years I
wanted to leave the profession, not wanting any narcissistic care
taking responsibilities (particularly as I began to find my self). In
short, I made a conscious decision to stay with it several years ago.
I do love my work.

I had some medical issues this past summer, and found myself awaking
from unconsciousness in the ER. The first thought was, “leave your
practice.” This was repeated several times. Now, I have a family
…and THIS was the first thing to come to mind? And
today, during a yoga practice centered on finding one’s true self and
burning away the ego, the same repeated message came.

It’s confusing at this moment, as I find myself in a loving space,
and entering a new dimension of my clinical work. Why on earth would
I want to flee? Now of all times? Could the message be ego based in
that I feel in some ways I am just finding my way, and it wants to
upset the apple cart? Do I simply need a vacation?

Any direction you can offer is so appreciated. This has been an
ongoing theme for me, and I wish it would settle a bit!

You are ahead of the game just with your clear awareness
that most of us healers come into this work from a place of deep
wounding. Especially when we come to it at a young age. You sound
very clear about your issues which are being intensified for all of us right
now as they are coming up to be clarified.

First and foremost, I would say step back to get a more clear
viewpoint. Not knowing is knowing. Does that make sense?
If you knew you should stay, that is one answer. If you knew
you should leave 100%, that would be another answer. To not be sure
either way is the third possible answer. Our egos always feel solid
and in control when they feel firm in their knowledge of a situation.
Nothing threatens them more than not knowing.

Use this situation, as long as it lasts, to feel comfortable in this
house of cards we take as a solid structure called life. With the
underlying anxiety in your gut, sit back and allow the answer to
reveal itself. Maybe it is to quit or maybe it is to restructure it
with all this firm work you have been doing all these years in a way
that your true Self is as fed as your clients. When any question
arises, the answer is never far behind if we make room for it to
arrive.

I invite you to pull up a chair, sit and wait. And while waiting,
fully taste your life and all your hard work that has brought you to
this place. Your Self is calling out to you. Ultimately it does not
matter what we do as much as the doer is not running the show.

I am a female yoga teacher and have recently begun teaching students privately in addition to public classes. A male student of mine has been hiring me for private lessons in his office. I personally find him to be a nice person but at the same time irritating in that he tries too hard in both his practice and in befriending people, talks about himself a lot, and has to make sure that if he knows something about yoga or spirituality those in his presence have to know that he knows.

As a teacher I am patient and encouraging; however internally I sometimes find myself in complete resistance to him. When I go over to teach him, we’ll usually talk a little before we practice, but I find that I have a hard time reigning him in to focus on why I’m there. This is why I am writing you.

What I am finding is that there is a part of me that is completely creeped out by him. On the one hand I see a lot of progress in his yoga practice and his is a very nice and thoughtful person, but at times I feel it oversteps a boundary I don’t want to cross. He has never made any sexual advances towards me but he always wants to know where and when I am teaching and makes efforts to come to my classes.

In writing this it sounds silly because on the one hand it’s an honor that someone wants to attend my classes, but I have other male students that consider me their teacher (though I don’t teach them privately) and I don’t have this same feeling. I’m trying to understand why this is making me uncomfortable. There’s some part of me that feels like my authority (or is it authenticity?) as a teacher is being unnerved by this man and why there is a part of me that is feeling sexually threatened when there is no overt implication of this.

There are many points in your question. I will start by saying that the fact that this student annoys you is rooted in something that needs to be healed inside of you. You will always find certain students easier to get along with than others. But the fact that this person is pushing a button in you is worthy of deeper examination for your own process and healing.

I would follow that by saying that we do not have to like the people that we work with but we do have to love them. This means that their personality can be annoying as hell but we have to root our connection to them on a soul level and do our best not to personalize it. Of course this is an ideal and not always easily executed. But we do our best. And it is a great place to observe where we have done enough work and what still needs to be healed in our own psyche.

Another point is the fact that you are doing private visits. This gets tricky because you are in your client’s home turf on an unconscious level so it takes more attention from you to set up solid boundaries. This is done automatically to a larger extent when clients come to your space but not the other way around.

This person is coming to you for you, not just the practices that you teach. A part of that is speaking your truth in a compassionate manner. There is a fine line sometimes between compassion and “idiot compassion” where we care take under the guise of being compassionate.

Now to your last point about how he makes you feel. ALWAYS trust your feelings. Check them of course to make sure you are not projecting but if you feel something is off, then likely it is. All sorts of energies can and will be thrown your way in your work, especially with men. Again, it goes back to setting up boundaries. These energies do not have to be “overt” and many times it is the “nice guy” approach that is more creepy than the outright creep.

Thank you for addressing each of my points in your answer. Your response has served in reminding me of the truths that I already know but of course have become veiled. Remembering to serve from love and find connection to others (especially to this student) as sentient beings if nothing else. I am wondering if you could clarify your thoughts a little more between compassion and “idiot compassion”. That seems to have struck a chord within me as a place where I find struggle in holding the boundary. That is the place where I think I often begin from love but then feel a threat for whatever reason (my feeling is this usually has to do with a sense of control and/or freedom) and then either retreat with anger, judgment, or dispassion or slip into a codependent relationship.

At this point I am not specifically referring to my student, but to many of my relationships in general. Philosophically and in my physical asana practice I understand the boundaries that guide one to experience inner freedom but emotionally I’m not so clear and steadfast. For instance, I know I can be a well spoken clear communicator but I fear if I speak honestly to this student that I will make him uncomfortable or for some reason reject me – even though rationally I know this is not a right or wrong scenario. I still have the fear that I’m in some way wrong for stirring up the possibility that he is projecting something towards me.

You put your finger on it: it is the caretaker and enabler in all of us that fears speaking the truth because of the consequences that you describe (“I fear if I speak honestly to this student that I will make him uncomfortable or for some reason reject me”). The term idiot compassion was coined by Chogyam Trungpa to describe exactly that; our fear to hurt some one by speaking our truth. In reality it is our fear of not being loved hidden under the guise of not hurting another.

It takes courage to hold our truth, even if and especially when it brings on negative feelings in the other person. Think about your asana teachers that you studied with. If they never corrected you and just praised you with out constructive criticism, you would not be the teacher that you are now. We owe the same to the people in our life, especially those that seek us out for healing on their path.

I am dealing with an addiction spanning several
decades. I have been able to be off of the substance
for several months at a time so it is not too bad
a case of addiction. I have checked out 12 step programs
on line but have no use for giving my power over to something
I can not see or the idea of god. What is your take on this?

There is no such a thing as a “not too bad a case of addiction”. You
have been helpless around the use of a substance for “several decades”.
Drop into and investigate the feeling of helplessness. This admission is where
inner work can get done rather than when our ego is more firmly in charge. Also
look closely at your putting aside the twelve step program as giving your power
to “god or something you can not see”. It does not matter whether you love or
hate the 12 steps.

Personally I have no room for the god concept either, but having humbled
myself (and humbled by life), found the program useful. Even if just
for the fact of going and sitting down somewhere one hour at a time as
an admission of my addiction was healing.

Your head is already in the tigers mouth, you have opened the door back to yourself
with your inquiry into your habits. You know what the positives in your life are
(and blessings to that), keep your eye on what is not working, what needs to change
and how you can bring that about.

I have been a pot addict for 30 yrs have come out of a long marriage
and find myself floundering in a new relationship. I see so many of the
patterns surrounding the anxiety of my unhealed child through the addiction,
relationship patterns and anxieties that you describe in your book.

I have also been on a spiritual path much like yourself and am a spiritual teacher.
I found complete stagnation in my marriage, but am now finding my unconscious is
going haywire in my new relationship. I know it is time to take the bull by the horns
and explore my childhood trauma and root out the causes of my addictive nature.
I feel i am ready to go straight to the point without beating around the bush
and feel in a somewhat desperate situation.

I am happy to hear that you are ready to face the beast of old wounds
and release what does not serve you and integrate what does. As I
am sure you are seeing in your own work, we are all being forced
to clean out the past. Those of us that carry the mantle as teachers and healers
are even more prone to this energy and need to clean up our shit. The
upside of this is that all the help we need will come our way with our
intention. The down side (for our egos) being that these accelerated
times will bear their full energy upon us and force us to change. It
goes without saying that resistance, conscious or unconscious,
is not only futile but painful.

With that in mind, I suggest that you work with the pot addiction first. No
morality here, just an observation that the use of any substance numbs
our feelings and hence access needed for the work at hand. A 12 step
program can be helpful. Free and anonymous. Lots of emotions will come
up as well as the underlying anxiety that we all suffer from. Be aware
that this part of the passage can not be avoided.

As for the relationship part, we always repeat our past issues in new
relationships until we heal them. I have that T shirt and it is well worn.
Regardless of whether you both are wanting to stay or leave the relationship
and if your partner is open to it; a couple’s therapist can really help you
heal some of these issues that you are dealing with.

Hope this helps. And intend to be a clear vessel so that
you can serve without any of these pains effecting your self and your work.
We can only take people to the place that we have reached internally, no
matter how noble or pure our intent.

I wanted to ask you about your journey to becoming a healer, find out
about the community and about resources. Over the years as I’ve read
and practiced and become more deeply involved with the inward journey
and its implications on the world we inhabit, I’ve found myself
continually drawn and called to the path of healing but for a number
of reasons have remained a step apart. Speaking to those traveling
that path is a step to more actively engaging that calling.

I can talk to you about my journey but that is really not important.
There are as many paths as there are finger prints, each as unique.
So I caution against looking for a pattern or path from the outside. Being a
healer is an arduous undertaking; the voice and calling has to be crystal clear
from within you. I recommend that you put the full force of your consciousness
on the question that you are asking.

I have come across many people in the last several years that have been receiving
the calling to become a healer. I know in my bones that we are all being called
upon to step up and help birth ourselves and each other into a conscious way
of life. You have to become clear if you are one of those. I perceive that you are in
possession of a razor sharp intellect. Unfortunately for you, this muscle is not only
useless but usually a hindrance in listening to our inner voice. Once we hear the
inner directive, then this muscle can and is useful in executing that order.

So set and reset your intent on a daily level to become clear. Ask to become clear
for the reasons that “you are drawn to the path of healing” and “the number of
reasons that you have remained a step apart”. All is yours for the asking as long
as you put in the time to listen. Once that clarity arrives, you will know with
conviction what path to take and you will be unstoppable.

On your site, I went right to a page that spoke about Shadow -
just the things that dogs me today.
With much seeking, and a beautiful meditation practice, there remains
a constant nagging of being unimportant to anyone, looked down on and
always ready to be blamed for not doing the right thing. Well, these
could easily be my original family – and have done much work – it is
tiring that there is little relief. It has been holding me, and now
seems to be ready for opening up.
Any words for this?

It has been a very intense time for all, with lots of old patterns
coming up to be healed. We are all being forced to clean out
our emotional and psychic closets with little wiggle room in terms of escape.
The patterns that you describe can be related to family of origin or even older
issues that we are born with. It is wonderful that you are pushing through the
anxiety with a regular meditation practice. I would add an intention piece to
your meditation practice, asking for clarity and help in releasing of these
issues as well as being shown where your unconscious patterns lie in terms
of holding on to these patterns.

It goes with out saying that these patterns do take a long time to heal, more
often than not they can take decades. Take heart in the fact that you
are on your path and keenly aware of them. Bringing these issues into
consciousness is half the battle. And the fact that you are “ready for opening up”
is a good time to go back for some expert help to expedite your process.

I want to go the center of this darkness. I am ready to stop running and
hiding from that shadow that has followed me everywhere. I have really
hit rock bottom since I moved out here to suburbia. I take this as a blessing
because everything that I tried to cover over with mantras and practices has
really shown its sharp teeth and literally bit my ass.

I just listened to your 2 hour workshop on relationships. It hit me
like a ton of bricks! I am on my knees now not knowing where to run
to or what salve to put on! It has all caught me off guard. Just when
I was busy making plans to go to India and on to my next study
adventure! My addictions are so clear and they are no longer serving
me. Thank God! Jesus I feel so revealed and so out of control.
I am ready to tell the truth about love and healing, it must start
with me feeling all of this I can not run anymore. There is nowhere
to go.

There is indeed nowhere to go but inside. There never was, is or will be.
All paths are shorter, longer, hellish or scenic routes back to this stranger
you call your self. Being shown to you by your Self. It is just that these
times that we are living in are amplifying all aspects of this journey with ample
opportunities to heed the call and little margin for neglecting it.

The gift of slowing down some or being in a different environment like
“suburbia” is that some of the veneer or shine of our mechanisms of hiding
comes off. Not necessarily pleasant and usually jarring but a moment of revelation
nevertheless. The problem with hiding under spirituality; as opposed to let’s say
addiction; is that the ego can really manufacture a whole story about the virtues of
its actions. This is much harder to do when you are stealing money for your next fix.
But in reality these two mechanisms are not much different, they both can take us
further away from remembering our true nature.

Being on our knees is the most safe and honest place of spiritual work. When
the ego is in a place of helplessness, the stories slow down and we have a chance
to be in the moment which is the only place that is real. Jump on this opportunity with both
feet as it will not be long before your ego will make a story out of this experience too and take
you on another detour. Examine all that has brought you to this point, what needs to go and
what can be invited in to move you forward. And be willing to live with out an answer until
you are shown the next step.

I recently had knee surgery after getting into a bike accident, but also basic wear from running long distance. After surgery, I felt as if I was mourning for my knee and asking for forgiveness. Might sound odd, but I felt so much sadness coming from my knee (outside of the pain from surgery) I feel very strongly that the pain in my knees is less physical and more emotional. If I can heal my knees emotionally, they will stop hurting and I will let go of something myself that I am holding in my knees. Can you give me any insight? How to do this and possibly what is going on?

Any body worker will tell you from experience that we hold emotions in our body. This is simple biological fact: the fascia of our body is no different than a CD Rom, it retains memory. It is common to observe a simple, shallow acupuncture needle insertion into the belly of a muscle to bring on emotions that include joy and laughter, grief and tears, fear and anxiety or a combination thereof. The serenity that comes from different types of body work many times involves a release of these emotions by the physical or energetic manipulation of the musculature and underlying tissue.

We have learned to repress and dismiss our feelings for so long that we sense the need to justify a genuine experience by making a statement like “it might sound odd”. You are feeling something so it is not odd, it is your experience. Good on you for being present enough to your condition to sense emotions that are arising. Keep the same presence of mind and stay in your body by feeling it and more will be revealed and released. A great exercise would be to lay down and do some deep breathing and FEEL what comes up. This is not a cerebral practice but one of being present to your emotional state. It is common practice for us to keep busy as a way of shoving down our emotions. Emotions need to be felt to be released; we either repress them or act out from their repression; we rarely just sit with ourselves and what we are feeling. Here is a great opportunity for you to tend to yourself in ways that might have escaped you in the past. Have compassion on your past behavior and the ways, if any, you did not heed your emotional needs or body’s limits. And celebrate your homecoming back into this amazing, magical and fragile body that has served you so well all these years. Get your mind and will out of the way, your body will inform you of the next step. Your sincere quest has already started the healing.

I feel like my life has been turned upside-down the last few months, and every part of me is in question. I know that I am changing and growing, but that this new way of being is so unfamiliar to me that I see myself ( mostly unconsciously ) turn away in fear and pick up my old habits. How can we move through and hasten this process?

Thank you for your question: what you describe is what I am observing daily all around me. We are all being forced to confront the ways and places where we hide. We grovel after things that poison and push away things that nourish. In my experience, it is only through hardship of one sort or another that we undertake the difficult task of confronting these patterns. The energy of these times is that hardship knocking on our collective door.

The fear of the unknown is a normal response; the trick is not to get stuck there nor turn back. The picking of old habits (usually addictions or addictive and unhealthy behavior) is the classic case of finding comfort in what is familiar instead of risking stepping into the unknown. That too is to be expected but also worked through. We are all being forced to move: we can walk, run or get dragged on the ground but we do have to honor the call to wake up.

We can hasten this process by first and foremost taking an honest inventory of the places in our life where we are stuck or are not nourished. This can include people, places, situations or things that are toxic or no longer serve us. A regular grounding or meditation practice is priceless right now. I find it to be a necessity in dealing with what is asked of us. Spend five minutes in the morning after you wake up and pay attention to your breathing. Feel your body and pay attention to what you are feeling.

For most of us anxiety is the first thing that we encounter when we try to get quiet. Sit a little longer and the anxiety will give way to some other feeling. It is this place that we can find the answers that we are looking for and hasten the process as you say. It is also a good time to set intents, to ask for guidance either for specific situations or in more general terms. My regular intent at such times is to ask to remember who I am and to burn away all that does not serve me.

I would also recommend working with a therapist, healer or any person that can be a guide. Some of these addictive patterns that keep us stuck are ancient, ancestoral or cultural and are difficult to tackle by our selves. Lastly, we have to learn to be in the moment. The old does not fit and the new has not fully revealed itself. For a culture of control freaks that we all are, this is pretty scary territory. We need to learn to live in the mystery of the question and let it soften and guide us.

I have just moved out of New York City into a quite village and feel isolated. Anyway isolation has been inevitable for me also because i arrived with my back in a devastated condition from the physical demands of moving. I spent 10 full days in bed without being able to even sit. I have had it checked out and it is inflamed. The best thing to do is to rest and have the inflammation heal and recede. And this rest adds to the feeling of loneliness. Things are not tragic though. I want to try to capture the life lessons lying beneath the surface. Can you give me some insights?

I admire your courage for leaving behind what you have known for the unknown. And your desire to look beneath the surface. Moving out of the speed of New York city life and its non stop flow always takes adjustment. Know that your move is much more than a physical relocation but rather a move out of a certain way of life. While the pain is there use it as tool for your transition so that you enter your new life with awareness.

In so many places and lives we confuse busyness with living, being surrounded by people with intimacy and a full day of activity with purpose. In fact most times these things are just a mask to numb the emptiness and anxiety that we all carry. Your experience is far more intimate than what you leave behind, more intimate with this stranger you call your self and are getting to know.

I am glad for your pain as it is a teacher, truly. I do not mean to belittle your suffering and at the same time this is a great opportunity not to be missed. This too shall pass but as it does do not be in a rush. Keep being gentle, keep being slow, keep being comfortable and remember that the magic in life is to fully be in the ordinary and not to be addicted to the extraordinary. There is a real detox that takes place when we leave behind a fast pace life that masks the ordinary and magical aspect of life. We get hoodwinked by the speed and mistake it for something special. Whether your move is temporary or long term, here is an opportunity to be and know yourself. It is by being and knowing ourselves that we can be a sister or brother to our collective without being in competition with or wanting to consume them.

How much of what you preach in spirituality , do you
practice in your daily life?

Preaching tends to signal a disconnect between action and intent.
I do my best to write about what I have/can put into practice in my own daily life.
Otherwise it has no power. For all of us it is an on going process, not an event that
we achieve and then put away.

If you find you are in a relationship pattern, say a work relationship with a boss, and it is an “unhealthy” relationship… how do you address just your half when the other party is not willing to do any work or see their part of it? How can we become aware and change in this situation when it might jeopardize the dynamic, therefore my job? I guess I am asking if the unconscious agreement here, even if it is unhealthy, it is what allows me to have a job?

This is a big question and it has many components. I will try to answer it without getting you fired.

Let us break this down to the basics. Relationships are 50/50 in terms of responsibility, half belonging to us, and half to the other person. All one can do in any relationship is own one’s half. We are helpless to how the other person will react but when we do our inner work a shift occurs. There can be a change within the other person as well or an end to the damaging behavior if not the actual relationship.

The first part is to examine your relationship with your boss and see how it reminds you of other relationships in your life. What patterns are you repeating? Knowing our issue in terms of self worth, perfectionism, a need to be loved or being a victim by not honoring our self can be some of the places we can start looking.

There is a definite correlation between our inner landscape and what we run into externally. A relationship to a boss can bring up unresolved issues with authority and we can interlock horns. Or it can bring up issues of people pleasing where we give beyond exhaustion and then that is required of us on a regular basis. Or there can be the issue of perfectionism where we only want to be seen in the best light and suffer as a result of impossible goals we set for our self.

In a power situation, people can and do abuse their place of power over people that work under them. That is a common aspect of our evolving power struggle on this plane. Taking that fact into consideration, what is interesting is how often one person will run into the same power struggles at different jobs while another can cruise on with out issues there.

I am sure there are other people who work with you who do not have your particular dynamic and yet they have no problem keeping their job. I would encourage you to investigate this fact as well as any similarities in this dynamic with other relationships in your life. It goes with out saying that is safer to investigate this pattern in other areas of your life before trying to dismantle it in a loaded situation with your boss. Specifically to your last question, how damaging to you is your unconscious agreement with your boss and how much is it worth to you and your health?

We are living in a time where all unconscious social contracts are being questioned and rewritten. I am seeing that on a daily level, in all types of relationships from intimate to professional. Our job is to own and clean up our part of the agreement.

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