Question:
I have been a practicing clinical social worker for the last 22 years.
I came to this profession out of childhood rooted in emotional pain
and adult care taking: both of my parents are extremely narcissistic
and used their children soley for their own need fulfillment. So I spent
many years on the therapy couch, beginning in my teens.

My question to you has to do with my work life. For many years I
wanted to leave the profession, not wanting any narcissistic care
taking responsibilities (particularly as I began to find my self). In
short, I made a conscious decision to stay with it several years ago.
I do love my work.

I had some medical issues this past summer, and found myself awaking
from unconsciousness in the ER. The first thought was, “leave your
practice.” This was repeated several times. Now, I have a family
…and THIS was the first thing to come to mind? And
today, during a yoga practice centered on finding one’s true self and
burning away the ego, the same repeated message came.

It’s confusing at this moment, as I find myself in a loving space,
and entering a new dimension of my clinical work. Why on earth would
I want to flee? Now of all times? Could the message be ego based in
that I feel in some ways I am just finding my way, and it wants to
upset the apple cart? Do I simply need a vacation?

Any direction you can offer is so appreciated. This has been an
ongoing theme for me, and I wish it would settle a bit!

Answer:
You are ahead of the game just with your clear awareness
that most of us healers come into this work from a place of deep
wounding. Especially when we come to it at a young age. You sound
very clear about your issues which are being intensified for all of us right
now as they are coming up to be clarified.

First and foremost, I would say step back to get a more clear
viewpoint. Not knowing is knowing. Does that make sense?
If you knew you should stay, that is one answer. If you knew
you should leave 100%, that would be another answer. To not be sure
either way is the third possible answer. Our egos always feel solid
and in control when they feel firm in their knowledge of a situation.
Nothing threatens them more than not knowing.

Use this situation, as long as it lasts, to feel comfortable in this
house of cards we take as a solid structure called life. With the
underlying anxiety in your gut, sit back and allow the answer to
reveal itself. Maybe it is to quit or maybe it is to restructure it
with all this firm work you have been doing all these years in a way
that your true Self is as fed as your clients. When any question
arises, the answer is never far behind if we make room for it to
arrive.

I invite you to pull up a chair, sit and wait. And while waiting,
fully taste your life and all your hard work that has brought you to
this place. Your Self is calling out to you. Ultimately it does not
matter what we do as much as the doer is not running the show.

Question:
I am a female yoga teacher and have recently begun teaching students privately in addition to public classes. A male student of mine has been hiring me for private lessons in his office. I personally find him to be a nice person but at the same time irritating in that he tries too hard in both his practice and in befriending people, talks about himself a lot, and has to make sure that if he knows something about yoga or spirituality those in his presence have to know that he knows.

As a teacher I am patient and encouraging; however internally I sometimes find myself in complete resistance to him. When I go over to teach him, we’ll usually talk a little before we practice, but I find that I have a hard time reigning him in to focus on why I’m there. This is why I am writing you.

What I am finding is that there is a part of me that is completely creeped out by him. On the one hand I see a lot of progress in his yoga practice and his is a very nice and thoughtful person, but at times I feel it oversteps a boundary I don’t want to cross. He has never made any sexual advances towards me but he always wants to know where and when I am teaching and makes efforts to come to my classes.

In writing this it sounds silly because on the one hand it’s an honor that someone wants to attend my classes, but I have other male students that consider me their teacher (though I don’t teach them privately) and I don’t have this same feeling. I’m trying to understand why this is making me uncomfortable. There’s some part of me that feels like my authority (or is it authenticity?) as a teacher is being unnerved by this man and why there is a part of me that is feeling sexually threatened when there is no overt implication of this.

Answer:
There are many points in your question. I will start by saying that the fact that this student annoys you is rooted in something that needs to be healed inside of you. You will always find certain students easier to get along with than others. But the fact that this person is pushing a button in you is worthy of deeper examination for your own process and healing.

I would follow that by saying that we do not have to like the people that we work with but we do have to love them. This means that their personality can be annoying as hell but we have to root our connection to them on a soul level and do our best not to personalize it. Of course this is an ideal and not always easily executed. But we do our best. And it is a great place to observe where we have done enough work and what still needs to be healed in our own psyche.

Another point is the fact that you are doing private visits. This gets tricky because you are in your client’s home turf on an unconscious level so it takes more attention from you to set up solid boundaries. This is done automatically to a larger extent when clients come to your space but not the other way around.

This person is coming to you for you, not just the practices that you teach. A part of that is speaking your truth in a compassionate manner. There is a fine line sometimes between compassion and “idiot compassion” where we care take under the guise of being compassionate.

Now to your last point about how he makes you feel. ALWAYS trust your feelings. Check them of course to make sure you are not projecting but if you feel something is off, then likely it is. All sorts of energies can and will be thrown your way in your work, especially with men. Again, it goes back to setting up boundaries. These energies do not have to be “overt” and many times it is the “nice guy” approach that is more creepy than the outright creep.

Question:
Thank you for addressing each of my points in your answer. Your response has served in reminding me of the truths that I already know but of course have become veiled. Remembering to serve from love and find connection to others (especially to this student) as sentient beings if nothing else. I am wondering if you could clarify your thoughts a little more between compassion and “idiot compassion”. That seems to have struck a chord within me as a place where I find struggle in holding the boundary. That is the place where I think I often begin from love but then feel a threat for whatever reason (my feeling is this usually has to do with a sense of control and/or freedom) and then either retreat with anger, judgment, or dispassion or slip into a codependent relationship.

At this point I am not specifically referring to my student, but to many of my relationships in general. Philosophically and in my physical asana practice I understand the boundaries that guide one to experience inner freedom but emotionally I’m not so clear and steadfast. For instance, I know I can be a well spoken clear communicator but I fear if I speak honestly to this student that I will make him uncomfortable or for some reason reject me - even though rationally I know this is not a right or wrong scenario. I still have the fear that I’m in some way wrong for stirring up the possibility that he is projecting something towards me.

Answer:
You put your finger on it: it is the caretaker and enabler in all of us that fears speaking the truth because of the consequences that you describe (”I fear if I speak honestly to this student that I will make him uncomfortable or for some reason reject me”). The term idiot compassion was coined by Chogyam Trungpa to describe exactly that; our fear to hurt some one by speaking our truth. In reality it is our fear of not being loved hidden under the guise of not hurting another.

It takes courage to hold our truth, even if and especially when it brings on negative feelings in the other person. Think about your asana teachers that you studied with. If they never corrected you and just praised you with out constructive criticism, you would not be the teacher that you are now. We owe the same to the people in our life, especially those that seek us out for healing on their path.

Question:
I am dealing with an addiction spanning several
decades. I have been able to be off of the substance
for several months at a time so it is not too bad
a case of addiction. I have checked out 12 step programs
on line but have no use for giving my power over to something
I can not see or the idea of god. What is your take on this?

Answer:
There is no such a thing as a “not too bad a case of addiction”. You
have been helpless around the use of a substance for “several decades”.
Drop into and investigate the feeling of helplessness. This admission is where
inner work can get done rather than when our ego is more firmly in charge. Also
look closely at your putting aside the twelve step program as giving your power
to “god or something you can not see”. It does not matter whether you love or
hate the 12 steps.

Personally I have no room for the god concept either, but having humbled
myself (and humbled by life), found the program useful. Even if just
for the fact of going and sitting down somewhere one hour at a time as
an admission of my addiction was healing.

Your head is already in the tigers mouth, you have opened the door back to yourself
with your inquiry into your habits. You know what the positives in your life are
(and blessings to that), keep your eye on what is not working, what needs to change
and how you can bring that about.

Question:
I have been a pot addict for 30 yrs have come out of a long marriage
and find myself floundering in a new relationship. I see so many of the
patterns surrounding the anxiety of my unhealed child through the addiction,
relationship patterns and anxieties that you describe in your book.

I have also been on a spiritual path much like yourself and am a spiritual teacher.
I found complete stagnation in my marriage, but am now finding my unconscious is
going haywire in my new relationship. I know it is time to take the bull by the horns
and explore my childhood trauma and root out the causes of my addictive nature.
I feel i am ready to go straight to the point without beating around the bush
and feel in a somewhat desperate situation.

Answer:
I am happy to hear that you are ready to face the beast of old wounds
and release what does not serve you and integrate what does. As I
am sure you are seeing in your own work, we are all being forced
to clean out the past. Those of us that carry the mantle as teachers and healers
are even more prone to this energy and need to clean up our shit. The
upside of this is that all the help we need will come our way with our
intention. The down side (for our egos) being that these accelerated
times will bear their full energy upon us and force us to change. It
goes without saying that resistance, conscious or unconscious,
is not only futile but painful.

With that in mind, I suggest that you work with the pot addiction first. No
morality here, just an observation that the use of any substance numbs
our feelings and hence access needed for the work at hand. A 12 step
program can be helpful. Free and anonymous. Lots of emotions will come
up as well as the underlying anxiety that we all suffer from. Be aware
that this part of the passage can not be avoided.

As for the relationship part, we always repeat our past issues in new
relationships until we heal them. I have that T shirt and it is well worn.
Regardless of whether you both are wanting to stay or leave the relationship
and if your partner is open to it; a couple’s therapist can really help you
heal some of these issues that you are dealing with.

Hope this helps. And intend to be a clear vessel so that
you can serve without any of these pains effecting your self and your work.
We can only take people to the place that we have reached internally, no
matter how noble or pure our intent.

Question:
I wanted to ask you about your journey to becoming a healer, find out
about the community and about resources. Over the years as I’ve read
and practiced and become more deeply involved with the inward journey
and its implications on the world we inhabit, I’ve found myself
continually drawn and called to the path of healing but for a number
of reasons have remained a step apart. Speaking to those traveling
that path is a step to more actively engaging that calling.

Answer:
I can talk to you about my journey but that is really not important.
There are as many paths as there are finger prints, each as unique.
So I caution against looking for a pattern or path from the outside. Being a
healer is an arduous undertaking; the voice and calling has to be crystal clear
from within you. I recommend that you put the full force of your consciousness
on the question that you are asking.

I have come across many people in the last several years that have been receiving
the calling to become a healer. I know in my bones that we are all being called
upon to step up and help birth ourselves and each other into a conscious way
of life. You have to become clear if you are one of those. I perceive that you are in
possession of a razor sharp intellect. Unfortunately for you, this muscle is not only
useless but usually a hindrance in listening to our inner voice. Once we hear the
inner directive, then this muscle can and is useful in executing that order.

So set and reset your intent on a daily level to become clear. Ask to become clear
for the reasons that “you are drawn to the path of healing” and “the number of
reasons that you have remained a step apart”. All is yours for the asking as long
as you put in the time to listen. Once that clarity arrives, you will know with
conviction what path to take and you will be unstoppable.

Question:
On your site, I went right to a page that spoke about Shadow -
just the things that dogs me today.
With much seeking, and a beautiful meditation practice, there remains
a constant nagging of being unimportant to anyone, looked down on and
always ready to be blamed for not doing the right thing. Well, these
could easily be my original family - and have done much work - it is
tiring that there is little relief. It has been holding me, and now
seems to be ready for opening up.
Any words for this?

Answer:
It has been a very intense time for all, with lots of old patterns
coming up to be healed. We are all being forced to clean out
our emotional and psychic closets with little wiggle room in terms of escape.
The patterns that you describe can be related to family of origin or even older
issues that we are born with. It is wonderful that you are pushing through the
anxiety with a regular meditation practice. I would add an intention piece to
your meditation practice, asking for clarity and help in releasing of these
issues as well as being shown where your unconscious patterns lie in terms
of holding on to these patterns.

It goes with out saying that these patterns do take a long time to heal, more
often than not they can take decades. Take heart in the fact that you
are on your path and keenly aware of them. Bringing these issues into
consciousness is half the battle. And the fact that you are “ready for opening up”
is a good time to go back for some expert help to expedite your process.

Question:
I want to go the center of this darkness. I am ready to stop running and
hiding from that shadow that has followed me everywhere. I have really
hit rock bottom since I moved out here to suburbia. I take this as a blessing
because everything that I tried to cover over with mantras and practices has
really shown its sharp teeth and literally bit my ass.

I just listened to your 2 hour workshop on relationships. It hit me
like a ton of bricks! I am on my knees now not knowing where to run
to or what salve to put on! It has all caught me off guard. Just when
I was busy making plans to go to India and on to my next study
adventure! My addictions are so clear and they are no longer serving
me. Thank God! Jesus I feel so revealed and so out of control.
I am ready to tell the truth about love and healing, it must start
with me feeling all of this I can not run anymore. There is nowhere
to go.

Answer:
There is indeed nowhere to go but inside. There never was, is or will be.
All paths are shorter, longer, hellish or scenic routes back to this stranger
you call your self. Being shown to you by your Self. It is just that these
times that we are living in are amplifying all aspects of this journey with ample
opportunities to heed the call and little margin for neglecting it.

The gift of slowing down some or being in a different environment like
“suburbia” is that some of the veneer or shine of our mechanisms of hiding
comes off. Not necessarily pleasant and usually jarring but a moment of revelation
nevertheless. The problem with hiding under spirituality; as opposed to let’s say
addiction; is that the ego can really manufacture a whole story about the virtues of
its actions. This is much harder to do when you are stealing money for your next fix.
But in reality these two mechanisms are not much different, they both can take us
further away from remembering our true nature.

Being on our knees is the most safe and honest place of spiritual work. When
the ego is in a place of helplessness, the stories slow down and we have a chance
to be in the moment which is the only place that is real. Jump on this opportunity with both
feet as it will not be long before your ego will make a story out of this experience too and take
you on another detour. Examine all that has brought you to this point, what needs to go and
what can be invited in to move you forward. And be willing to live with out an answer until
you are shown the next step.

Question:
I recently had knee surgery after getting into a bike accident, but also basic wear from running long distance. After surgery, I felt as if I was mourning for my knee and asking for forgiveness. Might sound odd, but I felt so much sadness coming from my knee (outside of the pain from surgery) I feel very strongly that the pain in my knees is less physical and more emotional. If I can heal my knees emotionally, they will stop hurting and I will let go of something myself that I am holding in my knees. Can you give me any insight? How to do this and possibly what is going on?

Answer:
Any body worker will tell you from experience that we hold emotions in our body. This is simple biological fact: the fascia of our body is no different than a CD Rom, it retains memory. It is common to observe a simple, shallow acupuncture needle insertion into the belly of a muscle to bring on emotions that include joy and laughter, grief and tears, fear and anxiety or a combination thereof. The serenity that comes from different types of body work many times involves a release of these emotions by the physical or energetic manipulation of the musculature and underlying tissue.

We have learned to repress and dismiss our feelings for so long that we sense the need to justify a genuine experience by making a statement like “it might sound odd”. You are feeling something so it is not odd, it is your experience. Good on you for being present enough to your condition to sense emotions that are arising. Keep the same presence of mind and stay in your body by feeling it and more will be revealed and released. A great exercise would be to lay down and do some deep breathing and FEEL what comes up. This is not a cerebral practice but one of being present to your emotional state. It is common practice for us to keep busy as a way of shoving down our emotions. Emotions need to be felt to be released; we either repress them or act out from their repression; we rarely just sit with ourselves and what we are feeling. Here is a great opportunity for you to tend to yourself in ways that might have escaped you in the past. Have compassion on your past behavior and the ways, if any, you did not heed your emotional needs or body’s limits. And celebrate your homecoming back into this amazing, magical and fragile body that has served you so well all these years. Get your mind and will out of the way, your body will inform you of the next step. Your sincere quest has already started the healing.

Question:
I feel like my life has been turned upside-down the last few months, and every part of me is in question. I know that I am changing and growing, but that this new way of being is so unfamiliar to me that I see myself ( mostly unconsciously ) turn away in fear and pick up my old habits. How can we move through and hasten this process?

Answer:
Thank you for your question: what you describe is what I am observing daily all around me. We are all being forced to confront the ways and places where we hide. We grovel after things that poison and push away things that nourish. In my experience, it is only through hardship of one sort or another that we undertake the difficult task of confronting these patterns. The energy of these times is that hardship knocking on our collective door.

The fear of the unknown is a normal response; the trick is not to get stuck there nor turn back. The picking of old habits (usually addictions or addictive and unhealthy behavior) is the classic case of finding comfort in what is familiar instead of risking stepping into the unknown. That too is to be expected but also worked through. We are all being forced to move: we can walk, run or get dragged on the ground but we do have to honor the call to wake up.

We can hasten this process by first and foremost taking an honest inventory of the places in our life where we are stuck or are not nourished. This can include people, places, situations or things that are toxic or no longer serve us. A regular grounding or meditation practice is priceless right now. I find it to be a necessity in dealing with what is asked of us. Spend five minutes in the morning after you wake up and pay attention to your breathing. Feel your body and pay attention to what you are feeling.

For most of us anxiety is the first thing that we encounter when we try to get quiet. Sit a little longer and the anxiety will give way to some other feeling. It is this place that we can find the answers that we are looking for and hasten the process as you say. It is also a good time to set intents, to ask for guidance either for specific situations or in more general terms. My regular intent at such times is to ask to remember who I am and to burn away all that does not serve me.

I would also recommend working with a therapist, healer or any person that can be a guide. Some of these addictive patterns that keep us stuck are ancient, ancestoral or cultural and are difficult to tackle by our selves. Lastly, we have to learn to be in the moment. The old does not fit and the new has not fully revealed itself. For a culture of control freaks that we all are, this is pretty scary territory. We need to learn to live in the mystery of the question and let it soften and guide us.

Question:
I have just moved out of New York City into a quite village and feel isolated. Anyway isolation has been inevitable for me also because i arrived with my back in a devastated condition from the physical demands of moving. I spent 10 full days in bed without being able to even sit. I have had it checked out and it is inflamed. The best thing to do is to rest and have the inflammation heal and recede. And this rest adds to the feeling of loneliness. Things are not tragic though. I want to try to capture the life lessons lying beneath the surface. Can you give me some insights?

Answer:
I admire your courage for leaving behind what you have known for the unknown. And your desire to look beneath the surface. Moving out of the speed of New York city life and its non stop flow always takes adjustment. Know that your move is much more than a physical relocation but rather a move out of a certain way of life. While the pain is there use it as tool for your transition so that you enter your new life with awareness.

In so many places and lives we confuse busyness with living, being surrounded by people with intimacy and a full day of activity with purpose. In fact most times these things are just a mask to numb the emptiness and anxiety that we all carry. Your experience is far more intimate than what you leave behind, more intimate with this stranger you call your self and are getting to know.

I am glad for your pain as it is a teacher, truly. I do not mean to belittle your suffering and at the same time this is a great opportunity not to be missed. This too shall pass but as it does do not be in a rush. Keep being gentle, keep being slow, keep being comfortable and remember that the magic in life is to fully be in the ordinary and not to be addicted to the extraordinary. There is a real detox that takes place when we leave behind a fast pace life that masks the ordinary and magical aspect of life. We get hoodwinked by the speed and mistake it for something special. Whether your move is temporary or long term, here is an opportunity to be and know yourself. It is by being and knowing ourselves that we can be a sister or brother to our collective without being in competition with or wanting to consume them.

Question:
How much of what you preach in spirituality , do you
practice in your daily life?

Answer:
Preaching tends to signal a disconnect between action and intent.
I do my best to write about what I have/can put into practice in my own daily life.
Otherwise it has no power. For all of us it is an on going process, not an event that
we achieve and then put away.

Question:
If you find you are in a relationship pattern, say a work relationship with a boss, and it is an “unhealthy” relationship… how do you address just your half when the other party is not willing to do any work or see their part of it? How can we become aware and change in this situation when it might jeopardize the dynamic, therefore my job? I guess I am asking if the unconscious agreement here, even if it is unhealthy, it is what allows me to have a job?

Answer:
This is a big question and it has many components. I will try to answer it without getting you fired.

Let us break this down to the basics. Relationships are 50/50 in terms of responsibility, half belonging to us, and half to the other person. All one can do in any relationship is own one’s half. We are helpless to how the other person will react but when we do our inner work a shift occurs. There can be a change within the other person as well or an end to the damaging behavior if not the actual relationship.

The first part is to examine your relationship with your boss and see how it reminds you of other relationships in your life. What patterns are you repeating? Knowing our issue in terms of self worth, perfectionism, a need to be loved or being a victim by not honoring our self can be some of the places we can start looking.

There is a definite correlation between our inner landscape and what we run into externally. A relationship to a boss can bring up unresolved issues with authority and we can interlock horns. Or it can bring up issues of people pleasing where we give beyond exhaustion and then that is required of us on a regular basis. Or there can be the issue of perfectionism where we only want to be seen in the best light and suffer as a result of impossible goals we set for our self.

In a power situation, people can and do abuse their place of power over people that work under them. That is a common aspect of our evolving power struggle on this plane. Taking that fact into consideration, what is interesting is how often one person will run into the same power struggles at different jobs while another can cruise on with out issues there.

I am sure there are other people who work with you who do not have your particular dynamic and yet they have no problem keeping their job. I would encourage you to investigate this fact as well as any similarities in this dynamic with other relationships in your life. It goes with out saying that is safer to investigate this pattern in other areas of your life before trying to dismantle it in a loaded situation with your boss. Specifically to your last question, how damaging to you is your unconscious agreement with your boss and how much is it worth to you and your health?

We are living in a time where all unconscious social contracts are being questioned and rewritten. I am seeing that on a daily level, in all types of relationships from intimate to professional. Our job is to own and clean up our part of the agreement.

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